Ask Annie: How can I find a Dominant? What should I look out for? How do you tell the real from the fakes?

This inquiry came to me from a reader of this blog. She asks a few questions that I see quite often, so it is worth addressing here. 

There is a lot to be said about the idea of trust in the BDSM community. While there are so many great people in the BDSM lifestyle(s), it is important to note that there are also a lot of predators. 

The question below comes from a submissive who has encountered a number of men POSING as Dominants. I'm glad she took the time to ask her questions. I'm sure the answer is something that other submissives will find valuable:

Annie, 

Thank you for the 'Ask Annie' series on your blog! I am a sub but pretty new to the BDSM world. I've had a couple of play partners IRL and a few online. Most of the time these guys turn out to be "fakes." Like, they claim to be Doms, but they're not or have no experience. How can I find a real Dominant? What should I look out for? How do you tell the real Doms from the fakes? 

I haven't been around long enough to know the "signs" to look for. I hope you have suggestions. 

    

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First, I am glad that you wrote and asked this question. You are not alone in having experienced the "fakes." Second, there is a LOT of trial and error when submissives first enter the lifestyle(s), so don't beat yourself up for your dealings with the posers. Shit happens. If you are willing to continue in your search for the real thing, there are quite a number of signs you should be aware of and pitfalls that you can avoid. 

The following submissive's guide to Dominants is one of the better illustrations of what to watch out for and how not to play into the hands of a predator. 

The author is unknown. 

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New subs guide to Dominants

This article is written by an anonymous author so if you are the author of this article or you know who the author is, please let us know so that we are able to offer appropriate credit.

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. Gold however, will stand up to most acids. The ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Dominants. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either. There is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON if that is what you choose to do. Most of these tests are designed for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Doms out there.

Step One: Do the Math

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!” Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. Don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

Step Two: Know Your Enemy

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. Sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, now and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).

- Snerts

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply ‘easy lays.’ Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won’t make demands on there sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

- The HNG (Horny Net Geek)

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their D/s jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in D/s chats for hours on end learning the ‘lingo.’ They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

- Control Freaks

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives may find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. Control Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you’. They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be ‘quite right.’ While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their ‘hooks’ into you it’s very hard to get untangled.

- Rapists and Predators

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them.

Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable. To defend yourself from predators, learn all the in’s and out’s of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during that first Scene).

Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn’t need to play ‘hard to get.’

Step 3: Know your goal!

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE!!! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives, so start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do’s and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ASS that’s (literally) on the line here. Know what a real Dom acts like.

Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. Giving away your control can be a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you! Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this.

Doms are strong people too, we do tend to be intelligent. Doms are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand they be in control all the time. Doms tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations.

It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist. ABOVE ALL, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally ‘nice guy’ you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don’t let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn’t likely to make demands until its time to play.

Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!

•  When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable ,he’s not going to be fun to play with.  
• “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don’t have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”
• “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing!  
• If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch,whore, etc.]” This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste your time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms.
•  “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! Its literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!
•  “Its my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/fem sub play is concerned, it’s ALWAYS LADY’S CHOICE! 
•  Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he say’s ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don’t even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom in the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles
•  “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer, self-made millionaire. yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a Dom that was rich? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an On-Line chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he’s likely a submissive! I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile. 
• “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Doms level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don’t care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil? 
•  Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references. I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world its considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. But in the D/s Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly. 
•  “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can’t talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST! 
•  “I don’t need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn’t need safewords either. Need I say more? 
• “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.” If you hear a “Dom” say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation. 
• Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a “Dom” that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don’t make the same mistakes twice if you can help it. 
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Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious! However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well.

Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There is another class of “female enemy” that is even more tragic and dangerous:

The Victim

The Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real D/s.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types. Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly that order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell. Leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can’t, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

author unknown