Annie,
I was wondering if you could advise me on this. My Dom and I have a purely online relationship because we live in two different countries. He has been my master for about three almost four months. From the very beginning he has wanted pictures or videos of me showing him myself doing things he asked me to do. I reluctantly took them wanting to please him. Last Monday I broke down and told him I felt it was one sided because he wouldn't send pictures of himself even though he wanted them from me. When I told him I really hate taking pictures and recording myself. He then told me that he felt like he bullied me into doing them. I told him that no one can make me do anything I don't want to do and I should have told him sooner. He was and I still believe upset. He told me he feels he can't trust me to tell him when I'm uncomfortable. I also had misinterpreted something and that was part of the problem. I'm not sure how I can get his trust back. When we talk he seems distant. Do you any tips as how I can get my doms trust back?**************************************************************************************************************************
I'm glad you asked this question.
Have you seen *any* pictures of this man you are calling Master? I have to ask, because I am seeing a disturbing trend wherein a lot of submissive women are exchanging photographs and even video of themselves with men who are essentially "ghost Doms." These men do not exchange any images back.
Look, I am not sure whether or not you fall into that category--please do let me know. However, even if you have **never** seen your Dominant via photographs (at the very least) you have every right to (and should) question his level of commitment. And, even if you **have** seen photographs, if you have not at least Skyped or vido chatted, how do you know that the images he has sent your are even of himself?
You are asking me how to get your Dom's trust back, but I wonder if what you should be asking yourself is "Should I trust this Dom?"
You have not specified what kinds of "things he's asked [you] to do" in these pictures and videos. If these are sexual "things" but he will not return any images of himself in equally vulnerable repose, than I would again questions "Should I trust this Dom?"
You mention that he is telling you that "He feels like he bullied [you] into doing them." Did he? Did he pressure you into furnishing him with videos and images of yourself?
If he did, that is an enormous red flag and should caution you that you may not be dealing with a Dominant AT ALL. He may be utterly novice, or a complete poser, using your insecurities or lack of experience and your eagerness to find a Master as a platform from which he can exploit you.
Ask yourself--after four months with a Dominant who lives in another country--how well do you know this man?
I cannot judge your relationship and that is not my intent. However, I think you should proceed with caution.
It is NEVER the submissive's job to make the Dominant feel safe and secure. It is HIS job to make sure his submissive feels safe and protected. That you have even asked me this question implies that your sense of security with him is at question. In a healthy D/s relationship that should never be the case.
And on the matter of the "something" that you "misinterpreted"--remember one thing ALWAYS: Your first impression is usually the correct one. If you interpreted something negatively, you are probably on target, no matter what he says to back peddle. That does not mean he is "wrong" and you are "right." It just means that you are both giving and reading cues between you in different ways. He may be telling the truth about how he *wishes* you had interpreted the "something" but that does not automatically negate how you actually interpreted the "something."
Stay true to yourself.
Being a submissive does not mean shedding your own identity or yielding beyond your comfort zone. If you are not comfortable exchanging images or pictures (especially with a man who will not reciprocate) then DO NOT DO IT. You can make that a hard limit until such time as you choose otherwise. If he cannot accept that and respect that limit (or any of your other limits) without trying to make you feel guilty or wrong (by being "distant," in his case) then he is NOT worthy of your submission.
I wish you the best. XO~ Annie
Annie, such sound advice and I hope this young sub takes it to heart. I had an LDR with a guy before i met my husband (my Master) and I made a similar mistake. I learned the hard way never to trust someone I couldn't see in real time. My Master came to my rescue months afterward and got it straightened out with the guy but I was stupid and i could have been hurt far worse than I was because he had a criminal record I didn't know aobut.
ReplyDelete-VE
One question I would ask would be if the pictures served a purpose?
ReplyDeleteMost men care about what a women looks like, and a standard facial photo makes you feel like you know someone (I would expect a man to send the same).
Good or bad, men also care about how heavy she is and may want a picture that shows her body. This can be handled by a clothed picture, or at most a vacation picture from the beach, or somewhere else, and which would not be very embarrassing if circulated.
Although I would not suggest it early, unclothed body pictures need not show a face or enough to identify someone.
It is possible pictures or videos can also tell whether she is disciplining herself as told. There are women (and men) who enjoy talking, but are not really doing it. While fun, some before putting a lot of effort into helping someone and directing their discipline, I would like to know if they are serious and really doing as they are told.
Is she really hitting hard? This calls for a certain amount of exposure. You do not know the color of buttocks, or if they are bruised if they are covered. Even better of course is video chat for this.
A pre or post-self spanking picture can show if she really did it, and give guidance as to whether it was what was intended.
Identity protection
These have a rationale, and even can be taken in such a way as to protect the woman. Most women's buttocks look somewhat similar (unless there are scars or tattoos), and even if circulated probably do reveal who she is.
I once mailed some stick on tattoos to a woman who I knew would post videos on Spanktube, and did not want to be recognized. If they knew her, and the women in the film had a tattoo near her ankle, and a friend knew she did not, the resemblance between her friend and the woman in the video must be accidental.
A woman should consider not merely how revealing of her body a picture is, but how revealing of who she is also. Consider the background of a photo and does it reveal who she is. A distinctive piece of furniture or a poster on a wall may reveal much if circulated. If need be, a sheet can be placed over something so there is not a distinctive background.
Of course, a lot can be learned from pictures of settings, and I have had a friend send me a picture tour of her apartment. You do not want to direct her to bend over a piece of furniture she does not own. Notice this can be done without her appearing in it, or at least in an immodest pose. Even if he is wondering whether something is of the right height for what he has in mind, she can be next to it, clothed.
Of course, if trying to help her with self discipline problems, pictures showing whether she has cleaned the house recently, or done the dishes can be useful, or even how many pages towards a thesis or assignment have been written.
In a few other cases, I have gained useful information from revealing pictures. One woman I was trying to help, I feared was anorexic, after she revealed she ate little and expressed a fear I might make her eat. A picture showed she was not anorexic, so what help I tried to give could focus on the possibility she was sick, and why she did not want to eat.
If trying to help he with appearance (choice of clothes, or even undies), or weight loss, pictures seem appropriate. If he is supervising her choice of undies (one way to control an aspect of her life, which he or she may enjoy) pictures may be appropriate.
Women should recognize that men are easily turned on by the sight of a less than fully clothed women, and it may help if they are willing to provide such pictures of themselves.
Early demands for ones that serve no purpose could be a warning signal, or involve taking a risk she should not take, at least not early in a relationship.
Unfortunately, some risks must be taken by women who want this, but they can take precautions, such as asking if the requested pictures serve a purpose, or sending ones in which they cannot be recognized as being in a immodest pose.
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IspankLadys
A woman should be a little cautious in sending pictures that are too revealing, before being asked. I had one lady send one with her nude, with clothes pins on assorted parts, and seemed to expect discipline. I ordered her to get dressed and then report to me for her discipline. Alas, we did not communicate again.
ReplyDeleteWhile I might have enjoyed seeing her body, and the discipline might have involved her removing some clothes as a preliminary, I was not real anxious to continue a session started by another.
You may even be punished for being too immodest. I have punished for not being dressed to answer the door in a modest manner (having been told how she had been dressed answering it), since you never know who may be at the door. Other doms may encourage her to always dress to be attractive and feminine (good for her self- image). They may use photos or cams to be certain she is doing so, or to be certain she is dressing as ordered (which might involve checking her intimate garments), or just so both can enjoy the feeling of controlling and being controlled.
I believe most men want women who are not too "easy", at least for marriage. Sending very revealing pictures early does not go along with this image, and one trying to help them may even punish for it. Even if this punishment requires some immodesty, (or a lot of it) most men would like to believe that seeing the more private, girly parts is a privilege she has given him (possibly part of her submission). It is somehow less of a exclusive gift if it appears she had them ready to send, and did so too quickly.
Of course, women may want pictures also, and he should be willing to reciprocate.
Seeing pictures of where he lives may tell a lot, and provide material for conversation. Does it look like the house of the type of man he claims to be. If he claims to be rich, why does it look like a basement apartment (maybe he devotes his wealth to charity). If an intellectual, are their books visible, etc.
Besides seeing what he looks like, women may like pictures to aid their fantasies. However, the pictures that aid them in their fantasies are often of him being nicely dressed (even if she is undressed), and these involve less risk for him. I have not heard of many women who are aided in her fantasies by a picture of his penis, even if they involve him using it.
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