Ask Annie: Submissive question: Long Distance Dominant and Trust Issues

This question came to me via email, from a submissive whom I believe to be quite young. However, her situation is NOT uncommon in the BDSM communities. I feel that her predicament is one that many can relate to and learn from. Read my response after the break. 

                                                                                                                   Annie, 

I was wondering if you could advise me on this.  My Dom and I have a purely online relationship because we live in two different countries.  He has been my master for about three almost four months.  From the very beginning he has wanted pictures or videos of me showing him myself doing things he asked me to do.  I reluctantly took them wanting to please him. Last Monday I broke down and told him I felt it was one sided because he wouldn't send pictures of himself even though he wanted them from me.  When I told him I really hate taking pictures and recording myself.  He then told me that he felt like he bullied me into doing them. I told him that no one can make me do anything I don't want to do and I should have told him sooner.  He was and I still believe upset.  He told me he feels he can't trust me to tell him when I'm uncomfortable.  I also had misinterpreted something and that was part of the problem.  I'm not sure how I can get his trust back.  When we talk he seems distant.  Do you any tips as how I can get my doms trust back?

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I'm glad you asked this question. 

Have you seen *any* pictures of this man you are calling Master? I have to ask, because I am seeing a disturbing trend wherein a lot of submissive women are exchanging photographs and even video of themselves with men who are essentially "ghost Doms." These men do not exchange any images back.

Look, I am not sure whether or not you fall into that category--please do let me know. However, even if you have **never** seen your Dominant via photographs (at the very least) you have every right to (and should) question his level of commitment. And, even if you **have** seen photographs, if you have not at least Skyped or vido chatted, how do you know that the images he has sent your are even of himself? 

You are asking me how to get your Dom's trust back, but I wonder if what you should be asking yourself is "Should I trust this Dom?" 

You have not specified what kinds of "things he's asked [you] to do" in these pictures and videos. If these are sexual "things" but he will not return any images of himself in equally vulnerable repose, than I would again questions "Should I trust this Dom?" 

You mention that he is telling you that "He feels like he bullied [you] into doing them." Did he? Did he pressure you into furnishing him with videos and images of yourself? 

If he did, that is an enormous red flag and should caution you that you may not be dealing with a Dominant AT ALL. He may be utterly novice, or a complete poser, using your insecurities or lack of experience and your eagerness to find a Master as a platform from which he can exploit you. 

Ask yourself--after four months with a Dominant who lives in another country--how well do you know this man? 

I cannot judge your relationship and that is not my intent. However, I think you should proceed with caution. 

It is NEVER the submissive's job to make the Dominant feel safe and secure. It is HIS job to make sure his submissive feels safe and protected. That you have even asked me this question implies that your sense of security with him is at question. In a healthy D/s relationship that should never be the case. 

And on the matter of the "something" that you "misinterpreted"--remember one thing ALWAYS: Your first impression is usually the correct one. If you interpreted something negatively, you are probably on target, no matter what he says to back peddle. That does not mean he is "wrong" and you are "right." It just means that you are both giving and reading cues between you in different ways. He may be telling the truth about how he *wishes* you had interpreted the "something" but that does not automatically negate how you actually interpreted the "something." 

Stay true to yourself. 

Being a submissive does not mean shedding your own identity or yielding beyond your comfort zone. If you are not comfortable exchanging images or pictures (especially with a man who will not reciprocate) then DO NOT DO IT. You can make that a hard limit until such time as you choose otherwise. If he cannot accept that and respect that limit (or any of your other limits) without trying to make you feel guilty or wrong (by being "distant," in his case) then he is NOT worthy of your submission. 

I wish you the best. XO~ Annie

Ask Annie: Submissive question: "I'm afraid of letting go all the way and letting him take control. Is this normal?"

Okay, well here is the deal: You do NOT have to let go of everything. The smartest submissives realize that they have a lot of control. You get to determine your own comfort zone, your hard limits, your soft limits, and YOU are in control of when to safe-word out. 

His job is to respect all of that and know that if he oversteps, YOU control when the game stops. Once you start to feel that sense of security and he earns your submissive trust (which is different than just relationship trust) you'll find that you are willing to give up more and more control to your Dominant. 

It becomes very comforting to release that control once you have established trust that your Dominant can take the lead and not abuse his position. If you were not nervous about relinquishing control to another, *that* would be abnormal. Your hesitation is quite natural. 

One way you can both establish that trust is by taking very small steps. For instance, does he give you a daily assignment? He should start doing so. It can be something as benign as "Write me a note telling me why you want me to be your Master" or "Mediate for ten minutes today on how you will serve me and our relationship and then text me to confirm that you have completed this assignment." It can be something deeper, "Kneel before me while I watch television and do not interrupt me until I give you permission to speak." Or, "Stand in the corner and remain still until I call you." It could be a daily journal assignment where he has you write down your service to him and your thoughts about him (even the bad thoughts -- we all have those from time to time). When he reads your entry he may wish to have you kneel beside him. 

There are a million little ways to establish trust and get you into the submissive mindset. All of that will build your confidence in HIM and help you learn to serve him.